humble thyself, part 1

"Don't you remember on Earth--there were things too hot to touch but you could drink them all right? Shame is like that. If you will accept it--if you will drink the cup to the bottom--you will find it very nourishing: but try to do anything else with it and it scalds." CS Lewis, The Great Divorce, pg. 61

"Keep short accounts with God." Debbie Fischer, Wise One and Mom of Awesomeness (aka, ME)

"'Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the Lord when you heard what I have spoken [...] I have heard you,' declares the Lord." 2 Kings 22:19, New International Version

Lately I've kind of been obsessed with CS Lewis's The Great Divorce. I think I've read it four times in the past three weeks. If you haven't read it, PICK IT UP IMMEDIATELY. It's brilliant, beautiful, convicting, accessible, deep, and did I mention beautiful? In one particular chapter Lewis presents a character who is resistant to accepting her shame for her earthly sinful acts. This particular chapter struck me, as I think we all spend much of our lives trying to avoid or mitigate shame. This is really quite comical, as we as Christians categorically admit that we are, in this earthly form, incurably sinful. It is sort of hardwired in our human will (through our own embrace of sin, not through our initial creation). Since sin is generally defined as anything going against God's will, it is the opposite of Good/Right/Wonderful/Beautiful/GOOD, it is therefore BAD and therefore deserving of shame. We should be a shame-filled race, admitting of our faults and accepting--drinking to the bottom--the shame of our sin and sinful nature.

But oh, how we manage to ignore it or talk it away! We try to associate shame with despair, downtrodden-ness, "self-esteem issues" (for those familiar with secondary education speak), unnecessary negativity. Bottom line: we don't want to feel shame. This is so, so backwards to what we should feel with our relationship with God, because shame is the starting point of every glory! The fact that we stand as traitors, rebels, idolators is the basis for Christ's appearance on Earth, and in shame is where every person meets God before receiving grace and forgiveness. Yes, shame is ugly and uncomfortable. But it is a truthful expression of where we stand in relation to Christ, and therefore we simply must embrace it to understand Him.

So I decided that I wanted to work towards embracing my shame instead of doing my normal routine of shutting it out and trying to somehow not feel it. For the last two weeks I have been keeping what I call my Sin Journal. Every night before I go to sleep I spend some time with God: meditative, receiving time. I ask Him to bring to my mind any and all sins that I committed that day. I write them down in a numbered list, as a permanent record of the sinful acts I have committed against my Lord and Savior Who died for me on the Cross.

I think some may have a negative reaction to this practice: "Why would you choose to dwell in the negativity of your relationship with God? Why choose to keep a record of what He wipes clean?" And the answer is simply: I do it so I won't "forget" the ways I have rebelled and rejected Him. Written records are impossible to ignore and escape. They define us in certain ways. Through my journal I want to remind myself continuously of my shame, of my essential "relation"ship to Christ, remind myself that I am a sinner unceasingly in need of His mercy and grace.

But of course, just writing down each sin is incomplete for Who God is in my life. Once I have what I think is the complete daily sin list (for the moment, anyway--sometimes I have to go back and add on a sin I commit as I'm falling asleep, because give me a moment and I could find a way to sin in it), I pray through and ask God's forgiveness for each sin. Not only that, but I ask that His blood would cover that area of my life and that He would redeem it for His kingdom and for His glory. (I have to believe that God can use absolutely anything--including my sin--for something as beautiful, transcendent, and unsurpassed as His glory and His kingdom.) Then, once I have prayed through every sin, I take a red pen and draw a line through and write "FORGIVEN" next to each one. That is the final word on my sin: Christ's death, God's forgiveness. Not only am I keeping a record of the shame I bear as a sinner, but I am keeping a record of the redemptive work Christ has done for and in me. It is a record of what His blood has purchased for me, of what cleansing work He is doing in my life. My shame is the essential starting point of my life, but it is not the final destination. Pure, overwhelming, cleansing, redemptive, transforming grace is the final answer. And I have a written record to prove it.